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2.27.2002


The company advertising on the back of the fortune cookie I just received (and ate) went out of business a couple of months ago. There are so many possible punchlines, I don't even know where to begin.
..:.:2:19 PM:.:..

2.22.2002


My sister and I are talking about parenting:

Me: Parenting is like curling. You slide down the ice with this big heavy stone for a while, but sooner or later you have to let go of the stone and just keep sliding on behind.
My sister: That's a really bad analogy.
Me: Don't you want to hear what I have to say about the sweepers?
My sister: ...
..:.:2:38 PM:.:..


2.19.2002


I don't understand these new McDonald's Olympics commercials. The one I've seen most often has a woman reading the paper with a headline of something like "US Bobsledder injured." She says to her husband, "Hey, this interesting. A bobsledder got hurt. They're going to need a replacement."

The man gets this weird look on his face like he's going to go try out for the team and says, "I must go." Then he goes to McDonald's for one of their new Chicken Sandwiches.

There was a radio spot I just heard that had basically the same premise: man bemoans lack of luge in his life, goes out to buy luge, goes to McDonald's instead. What am I missing? Does he get distracted on the way? Is the average McPatron so addle-minded that he forgets to fulfill his life's goal whenever he sees the Golden Arches?

Also, I'm concerned about the implications of living in a world where I understand more New Yorker cartoons than McDonald's commercials.
..:.:5:16 PM:.:..


2.13.2002


I have trouble getting motivated to wake up in the morning. I oversleep a lot. It's not an alarm clock problem -- a couple of years ago I bought one of those two-alarm clocks so that you can have both the radio and an alarm noise at once. I've come to blame this alarm clock for wanting to get me up. This thing holds a grudge; it wants me miserable. I don't understand how an appliance can hate me as much as it seems to.

I hit the snooze button a lot. My most recent solution to this problem has been to move my alarm clock to the opposite side of my bed and set it so that it plays staticky Christian talk radio and a loud beeping noise at the same time. This plan is working well in terms of getting me up on time, but it's starting to screw with my head. Last night, my dream took a weird turn when an 18-wheeler backed into my bible study class.

It's helped to clarify my thinking on religion, though. I ask you: Is there any evidence more conclusive for the lack of God's existence than Christian talk radio?
..:.:2:24 PM:.:..


2.11.2002


A subway-themed haiku:

The "sick passenger":
This guy looked perfectly fine
And then he threw up
..:.:4:18 PM:.:..


2.7.2002


You can see my apartment building in the third one. Well, I can see my apartment building in the third one, anyway.
..:.:11:41 PM:.:..


2.6.2002


Public Service Announcement, or "My Hands Are Too Weak"

I seem to be unable to take the initiative, so if someone has some extra they could hand to me, I'd appreciate it. Don't even ask about seizing the day, I can't even grasp the meaning.
..:.:7:28 PM:.:..


2.4.2002


Location: A movie theater.
Scene: The trailer for John Q. has just played. In it, Denzel Washington's character barricades himself inside a hospital in order to get his son treatment for an illness not covered by their HMO.
Characters: Me and a friend.
Background Information: I work with managed healthcare insurance companies. I'm not proud of this.

Him: You're evil.
Me: ...
..:.:12:12 PM:.:..



mark@markand.com
aim: mdanderson45